Wait, Whose Story is This!
by agent000
Summary: Edward and Jack are best buds, but you'll never hear them admit to that fact. Not while there's one-upping to be done...


_**-Okay, guys, I'm just trying something random here to see if I can get myself writing again. Someone on the NaNoWriMo forums suggested I write the worst possible fanfic I can just to see if that'll make me write. So, I have no idea what'll happen. The story may either wind up being extremely cheap or extremely deep, or even both at once. So basically, just don't expect much, and then everything I do "right" will be a pleasant surprise!**_

_**Also, I feel I should warn you that I'm typing this entire thing on a tablet, not a computer, unless a computer just magically graces me with its presence. So expect some typos too. They're likely to slip past me, unfortunately.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything in either the Fullmetal Alchemist or the Rise of the Guardians worlds. Also, this story is likely to be crap, but wait, I already warned you of that, didn't I?**_

Hello. My name is Edward Elric, and I've come to warn you all of a menace that is likely to be on the prowl in your home town this time of year. The man is notorious for tripping little old ladies on icy sidewalks, shattering windows with large icicles, and biting random people on the nose.

That's right, I speak of none other than that villainest of all villains, Jack Frost, the guy with the coldest heart around. Better barricade your doors, kids, or this creep will sneak in and bite your nose while you're sleeping. I mean really, how sick is that? Next thing you know, he'll go around biting everyone's toes too to feed his foot fetish. Oh wait, he actually DOES that. Is there anything this snowy freak won't do?

Mothers, guard your children from this fiend, lest you wake to find them infected with a sort of Jack Frost-itis and find yourself fleeing a barrage of snowballs while in your pjs and bunny slippers. Do not let your child idle in the cold, or your child will be taken by the icy hands of death.

You may ask how I know so much about this "Jack Frost" person. Well, I shall tell you this: it was on a particularly cold night at Briggs that I witnessed the birth of a monster. You think Olivia Armstrong was always the terrifying person she is now, but think again. It all happened on that one fateful night, I watched a mortal being walk out of the base, and I watched the Snow Queen return. He had turned her, I swear! I saw it with my own two eyes!

-.-.-

Okay, I think it's time I speak up before I allow this lunatic to completely defame me. Are you a little bored, Ed? You sound like it. Need a snowball to the face? I think you've earned one or two. Remind me to pay you in full later.

Hello, everyone, I'm Jack Frost, and this lunatic over here who somehow got to speak first is a boy who I sometimes think is my friend, though sometimes I wonder. For the record, I never did anything to little miss Olivia. Well, maybe I've thrown the occasional snowball at her. And I guess I did drop that pile of snow on her once. But I swear that was just to get her to lighten up. I certainly didn't want her as my snow queen. Ew. I wouldn't know how to turn her even if I did.

Honestly, I think she's so scary that even the snow queen avoids her. That's pretty scary. Which I guess makes me kind of stupid for hanging around and trying to lighten her up. But I swear I'm just stupid. I'm not evil or anything.

Just keep this in mind next time you hear from the lunatic: he is a lunatic, pure and simple. And he's had nothing but coffee for three days straight and has just now found that he's run out. So I wouldn't trust much of what he has to say.

-.-.-

Back to Ed. Oh, that's so easy for you to say, huh man? I'm a lunatic, am I? Addicted to coffee, am I?

Let us not speak of the coffee for now...

Funny how you're so ready to completely deny the claim of evilness, but not so ready to discuss what really matters: the breaking and entering into people's houses and biting off innocent people's noses in their sleep. What kind of sick freak does that? I mean really, man. And then there's the toes too. It's bad enough biting noses without biting people's toes off too.

And if that's not bad enough, let's take a look at the company you keep. You've got a friend who routinely breaks into every house that has children once per year, and then leaves trinkets behind as calling cards so that people know he's been there, like a mad criminal on the loose who is super proud of his crime and the fact that he can't get caught. And somehow he's managed to get all these little kids EXCITED that he's coming to do this, the freaking pedophile.

Then there's the friend who has decided that egging houses on Halloween isn't enough, and has decided to do it in the spring. But he doesn't merely throw the eggs at the houses like a normal vandal, oh no. He has to go and hide each and every egg and then sit back and chuckle to himself as he awaits the spoilage of the hidden eggs, turning them into regular stink bombs. His poor victims can do nothing but go out and attempt to find the eggs before they turn sour, but they don't always succeed.

And then there's the weirdo friend of yours who has such a passion for children's teeth that she is ALWAYS. WATCHING. Just in case any of them just happen to leave a child's gums. They never escape her gaze, because she always knows the instant a child loses a tooth, and then she sweeps in and grabs it as soon as she suspects no one will see her do it. I suspect she arranges some of the spills the poor kids take herself just to get more teeth.

The poor children sleep in terror of her as soon as they realize they've lost a tooth, and it's all they can do to hide it under their pillow and guard it during the night in hopes she doesn't find it, but she always does.

And of course, there's that creepy little man who has taken creepiness to the next level and invades everyone's minds in their sleep, spreading his sandlike drug to adults and children alike for the sole purpose of making them trip out while they're captive and can do nothing about it. The sadist.

Now see, looking at the company you keep, I think I can safely assert that you are, in fact, evil.

-.-.-

Well, look who's just joined me on the naughty list. There will be no presents for Eddy boy this Christmas. Santa's much too upset that you called him a pedophile. You might not get him visiting for a few years just for that.

Though I must say, I don't quite understand how you got the Sandman and the Boogieman confused. If you need clarification, I'm sure Pitch Black would be ever so happy to show up and scare the begeebers out of you. I'd imagine he's been kind of bored as of late.

Anyway, I'm bored, Ed. Want to go raid the workshop and steal some hot chocolate? We could play ice hockey with a couple of elves too. I don't think the yetis will mind too much, so long as we don't get in the way or let North catch us. What do you say?

-.-.-

Are we talking mint hot chocolate? If so, then I'm in.

See you later, everybody. I've got some elves to go and pulverize.

-.-.-

Jack here for one final thing. If you'd like to help our author get back on the writing track, review with suggestions on terrible writing she can do for other chapters. Or you can just ask me or Ed questions that we could answer. That works too.

Anyway, thanks for reading and supporting her. She really needs to write, so by all means, feed the insanity as much as you can.

Take care, snowflakes! Until next time, stay frosty! (Or with hot chocolate all over your face like Ed's doing right now.)


End file.
